Geekfoolery

So here we are, less than a week to go before Christmas. There’s still time to shop online, if you don’t mind paying extra for shipping, and there’s a solid 3 days this weekend to pick over the unsold dregs at the mall. It is about this part of the season where I start to really get sick of Christmas music, and I wonder how retail workers keep from going postal.

No doubt radio programmers tasked with non-stop Christmas music (as one LA radio station does FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH) simply gather every Christmas song ever published and hit “shuffle.” Pop artists with one album or even a hit single under their belt can pretty much guarantee airplay by recording “Jingle Bells” or “Winter Wonderland,” secure in the knowledge that their afternoon’s work in the recording studio will get played for at least the next two decades until it drops off the bottom of the list. After all, who wouldn’t LOVE another version of “Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

Um. Me. I can’t stand Rudolph. Never liked the song… and HATED the well-loved Rankin/Bass animated classic. Call me a Grinch… er, that’s a different story… but I think there are serious problems with the Rudolph story.

First, there’s the question of the apparent theme of the story, something along the lines of “every one is different, and we should appreciate their differences.” OK, nice idea. Except this theme is sabotaged by the fact that Rudolph’s ostracism and exile didn’t end until fate and bad weather led to the realization that what Santa and other reindeer had once considered a gross deformity was in fact going to save their bacon when the chips were down. This is akin to the story of the geeky nerd, to whom the head of the cheerleading squad won’t even speak, until it turns out that he’s the only one who can hack into the school computer and change her grade from an F to an A. The message seems to be everyone can be appreciated, as long as your pull your weight, and if you’re really weird, you better have some tricks up your sleeve. If Rudolph had a blue mohawk instead of a red nose, he’d still be selling records at Newbury Comics, not leading Santa’s sleigh.

The second issue I have is the predicament itself. Santa’s grounded because of a snowstorm? He lives at the North Pole, and he circumnavigates the globe every year in the middle of winter, and he’s grounded by snow? If Santa was based in LA, where traffic comes to a halt at the first hint of rain (like it did today), I could understand, but how could he have not foreseen this and beefed up the sleigh, de-iced the reindeer or something. I think the old guy has more oomph than to have to call off Christmas on account of mere snow.

The last problem I have–and this has always been the biggest issue–is the solution to the “one foggy Christmas eve.” Rudoph, with his nose so bright, was supposed to guide the sleigh through fog. As anyone who has ever driven a car knows, the last thing you want to do in fog is to turn on the high beams. All a big bright red light is going to do is illuminate the fogbank immediately around the sleigh. Maybe if Rudolph’s nose was fog-lamp yellow for that better short-wavelength light dispersion through fog, we’d have a case.

Another problem with the bright-nose-leads the sleigh argument is this: the bright red light is TWO INCHES FROM RUDOLPH’S EYES. Even granted that red light is supposed to preserve night vision, bright light of any color right next to your eyes is going to effectively blind you, leaving you seeing nothing but spots and afterimage. You can’t guide a sleigh if you’re squinting.
So here’s what would need to happen for me to go along with the Rudolph story:

First, a segment explaining that Santa and his reindeer thugs weren’t going to be such judgmental conformists, and that your deformity/unique qualities don’t have to save the world in order to gain group acceptance.

Second, up the ante a bit on the snowstorm. Make Santa and Rudolph really work to get out of this one. Maybe the melting ice caps are threatening Santa’s secret fortress of solitude at the North Pole. Maybe the hole in the ozone has blinded all the other reindeer, and they need seeing eye dogs who can fly.

Finally, if we have to stick with Rudolph leading Santa through the fog, then let’s upgrade the red nose for a halogen fog light. Also, put it lower on the Rudolph frame so that it’s not lighting a “wall of fog.” Maybe “Rudolph the Reindeer with High-Intensity Fog Light Knees.” Or in a perfect world, Rudolph the Radar Reindeer whose echolocation helps him get from house to house.

So that’s my request. Rudolph’s been around for 40 years now. I think we can do better.

And don’t get me started on Frosty the Snowman.

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