Geekfoolery

Today, Mr. Alex invites a dear old friend as a guest blogger for the 12 Geeks of Christmas series. Jean Thomas is based in Boston, and has endured the annual gift exchange with Mr. Alex for more years than anyone should have to endure. Here we discuss the aspect of what a non-geek thinks when recieving a gift from a geek like me.

Gifting the Non-Geek: Tips for Holiday Shopping
Hello, and Happy Non-specific Holiday Season! Mr. Alex has invited me to offer the non-geek perspective on geek gift-giving. I will state upfront that I am not familiar with all 12 Geeks of Christmas. (Apparently neither is Mr. Alex, or he wouldn’t have weaseled his way out of one by inviting me to write a guest blog.) My qualifications extend to my being the non-geek recipient of gifts inflicted on me by friends of geek persuasion over the course of many years.
As any of you non-geek gifters know, the bests gifts are those that reflect the recipient’s interests, desires, and personality as perceived by the gift giver. But to a geek, a gift apparently means any item with some nifty quality (such as it’s solar powered, takes the word gadget to new levels of hilarity, or is portable in the sense that it breaks down into 237 component parts that can be packed into a duffle bag approximately twice the size of the one provided) and is only tangentially related to the giftee. This explains why I have been the recipient of such wonders as topless flip flops, a baseball cap with LED lights in the brim (which, apparently, is only useful if you want to read what’s written on the front of your T-shirt at night), and a case of WWII army surplus hand warmers. Or maybe they were IEDs. I couldn’t tell. I am not relating all of this to you because I am ungrateful, but because these gifts are all fine examples of …
Gifting the Non-Geek Rule Number 1: Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
Yes, you CAN give someone a pair of flip flops that relieve one of that irritating toe thingy by adhering directly to the soles of the wearer, but unless for some reason you want to trick your friend into removing the flesh from the bottom of her feet, you SHOULD NOT.
Gifting the Non-Geek Rule Number 2: A perfectly ordinary item will not necessarily be improved by adding more technology to it.
You’re thinking, “But what about my new Kate Bush CD with built-in GPS?” I know geeks are fans of novelty (or they like to bite the heads off live chickens, according to Merriam-Webster), but trust me on this. Perhaps this is all the fault of us non-geeks. Every time one of our geek friends says something like, “Hey look at my new umbrella with the built-in weather forecast receiver,” and we say “Neato!”, we give the false impression that we find the thing, well, not completely stupid. We’re just being polite. Please don’t run out and get us one. If we want to know whether to take our umbrella with us, we will look out of the window before we leave the house. (And before you think that instead you will give us the companion lightning strike detector, let us hasten to tell you that if it is thundering, we are pretty sure there’s lightning and we shall throw down our golf clubs and go not stand under a tree.)
Gifting the Non-Geek Rule Number 3: If you think it’s simple, it’s probably needlessly complex. (Also known as the Never Give Me a Gift that Involves Putting Electrodes on My Head Rule).
I really only made up this rule so I could talk about the cup that electrocutes you in order to make your hiccups go away—the “simple way to cure hiccups” according to Gizmos for Geeks. Before you start jumping up and down and screaming that just because you create an electrical circuit between a metal cup and your head doesn’t mean you are being electrocuted, let me tell you here and now that I don’t believe you. Besides, as any old wife knows, a little bit of sugar, placed far back on the tongue, stimulates the vagus nerve just as well without actually killing you. Plus hiccups usually just go away by themselves.
Gifting the Non-Geek Rule Number 4: The Devil is in the Details
The use of technology to transfer one’s photos onto mugs, mouse pads, and so on is perhaps one of the most successful efforts to bridge the gap between the geek gifter and the non-geek recipient. But don’t give me a Lord of the Rings calendar with your face photoshopped onto to Aragorn’s or featuring your collection of Leatherman tools.
In full disclosure, I must admit that Mr. Alex gave me a custom paint by numbers kit, so that I may reproduce in acrylic paint a photo he had taken of me and my family when we were all on vacation together. Ok, I’ll admit it’s kind of cool on the face of it. It even gave me a nostalgic twinge for the simple pastimes of my childhood. I remember doing paint-by-numbers as a kid. I don’t, however, remember the little shapes with numbers in them being the size of amoeba. Also, I remember only about 10 little tubs of paint. This thing has 42 tubs of paint. It is called, by the way, “Easy Art 1-2-3.” It really should be called “You Need the Fine Motor Skills of a Neurosurgeon Art 1-2-3-4-5- 6-7-8-9-10- 11-12-13-14-15- 16-17-18- 19-20-21- 22-23-24- 25-26-27-28-29 -30-31-32-33 -34-35-36-37- 38-39-40-41-42.” But what really makes it geeky is that my friend asked the company to remove the pole behind my head in the photo. Yes, you learned that in Photoshop that you can remove offensive reality, like unsightly poles that appear to jut out of peoples heads or the Men’s Room sign above the bride and groom. But really, he should have asked them to remove one of my chins.
In sum, you can probably forget all of the above and just go with this rule of thumb when out shopping for non-geek friends and family: If in one hand you are holding something you would really like to have and in the other hand you are holding something you wouldn’t, go with the latter. Unless you really want an iPod. I’d take an iPod.

Permalink | Trackback | del.icio.us Digg Reddit

Comments:

Comments RSS

Leave a comment